A long long time ago.

This post has taken me many months to decide if i should do or not. I still dont know if its the right thing to do by doing it, but think for me its something i need to do to have closure on it. Many of you have asked me the past few years why certain things are the way they are beween me and the hubs family. Its something that i believe started right from the beginning. I cant speak for why as i really dont know. As many of you know when the hubs did first ask me to marry him, his parents did ask him to take it back. lol. Luckily for both of us he didnt. I dont know if it had anything to do with me being divorced with two boys at the time. It might seem easy to think that but the boys were and have always been accepted into the family so i really dont think it was because of them in anyway. When i first came out i came from a very very large extended family. My dad is the 10th child out of 11 and up until i was 15 i also had two great grandparents as well as my grandparents. My mom was the youngest of 5. I have more cousins and aunt and uncles then i could count. I grew up being very close and very involved in there lifes and very much loved by all of them. We always did everything together and our vacations every year was together so i always had a bunch of cousins with me on vacation which was way cool for me. For anyone that was at my mums funeral you im sure saw how amazing they are and how much love they still show me and how much love we still have for each other. The hubs remarked at how much more relaxed and natural i was able to be with them then he had ever seen me be around his family as ive always been tense around them. He clearly saw the love and bond beween us all even tho ive spent so many years over here and not had the close contact i grew up with on a daily base. Well! I truthfully came out here expecting the same. Really i did. I had grow up with an extended family that though the sun shone out of me and i did expect the same. No one was more shocked then i when it wasnt that way. It wasnt something i was used too. Really! I cant speak for them only myself so i really dont know what the problem was. I admit i felt very very overwhelmed around them. I had always been independant and had two kids and hadnt lived at home for eight years since i was 18. I felt very smoothered and felt like they all wanted too much control of my life and wanted me to live out of there pockets. Like i said i had lived in my own house for eight years and wasnt able to take all what seemed to be expected of me back then. It had nothing to do with closeness as i had certainly had that with my own extended family my whole life. It seemed to me very much more of a controling thing and i really felt like they were trying to mold me into what they felt i should be as Ralphs wife and a member of there family. That of course didnt go down too well. I know its very much a utah thing now that ive lived here so long i can see that but at the time i felt smoothered and felt the control thing coming after me, lol. I stood my ground and decided i wanted to remind who i was and not be changed in anyway. Its hard to explain really. Im sure they didnt even know they were doing it as again looking around its very much a utah thing. Parents here do have more control over there kids as adults then where i came from. Coming from a place where that didnt happen totally horrifed me so of course there were issues. The more they tried the more it pushed me away. I also came from a family where if any two people were upset over something beween them, it stayed beween those two people and that was it. Words might have been spoken but then it was over in ten mins and everyone moved on. I wasnt used to the whole thing here (and maybe its cause i never had sisters and so never was involved in that kinda gossip ring) where if one of the hubs sisters and i had a disagreement that all of a sudden the whole family was involved. I never told my side so it was always one sided and suddenly i had a mob group upset with me and because no one would ever talk to me about it, only the hubs it created bad feelings that grew and grew. To this day if one of them are upset with me they still will only talk to the hubs, i just dont understand that, i dont know if thats because that way they can get there side across without having to listen to another side or what, but thats how it is. Ralph has and always will stands behind me on everything. He dont like the way they gossip beween themselves rather then it just stay beween whichever two people also but again thats the way it is. Anyway then something happened that really set the way it was going to go forever. I had a disagreement with one of his sisters. I really dont remember what it was about or how it started or anything, i dont remember it being anything major. I bet the person involved dont know what it was about also, lol. Had it stayed beween the two of us, well i dont need to say how much better it would have been, lol. All of a sudden we had the hubs parents pushing there way into our house. I dont know why they got involved but i think it truthfully was a build up of more then that one gossip. I was holding Hayley at the time who was four months old so it was 22 years ago so we had been married three years. His father is well known for his temper and also is never very good at listening to other peoples side of things (smile!). There was a lot of yelling from them and comments from his father that i will never forget.
She must have a history as long as my arm!!! (slutty history i guess!!)
She needs to go back to england!!
Divorce her now, shes no good!
For the record, i have married the only two guys i ever dated. Really! My first hubs i met at 14, Ralph i met a year after my divorce. I got married at 18, very young. Also i would have loved to have gone back to england where i could be around people that cared about me, but my home was with my hubs and kids. And third Ralph and i were happily married. Usually not grounds for a divorce!!!!!!!!!! And lucky for me hubs worships the ground i walk on so he thinks im good so thats all that mattered.
And for the record, Ralph and i really couldnt get a word in with the yelling from the two of them, anyone that knows them when there mad will know what i mean, lol. Besides our children were all there and it was bad enough there grandparents didnt care how they were yelling in front of them.
Anyway during this time i put Hayley down. Just as i did, hubs father came up behind me, (i still shudder to this day what would have happened had i not just put the baby down at that moment). He threw me across the room, i landed half bent over the kitchen counter, No sooner had i landed he was on top of me with his weight so i couldnt move. He had his arm around my neck, his weight on my body so i was suck and couldnt move and started pounding me in the head with the fist of his other arm. He hit me three or four times before Ralph was on top of him and had him off. (I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THE ABOVE AND BELOW IS NOT ONLY ON A POLICE REPORT BUT ALSO ON COURT RECORDS, EMT RECORDS AND OUR NEIGBOURS WITNESS REPORTS) I called the police at that time, the whole time having his mom yellling at me (which they heard and recorded) about how this was my thought (hmm hadnt they came to our house?) and how i was being a coward by calling the police and hiding. The reason i had to go into the bedroom to call the police was because when i picked up the phone in the kitchen she ripped it out of my hand and tore it off the wall. Not a coward but getting help cause we had had people break into our home and i had my kids to protect. We also had neigbours and there kids at the door by that time. The fight beween ralph and his dad didnt last more then a few mins. Ralph did i admit put his dads head though our wall!!!!!!!!! Not on purpose but by accident but he was protecting me and his family. They both decided with the police on there way that it was time to run!!!!!!! (im the coward huh?). Both the hubs and his dad did have quite a few bangs but ralph i know was fine to go to work next day, I never heard how the head though the wall panned out. EMT checked us both out. We filed police reports, neighbours were witnesses and the police decided to file assult charges on him against me. They couldnt on Ralph as he had hit him first. I would like to add that they file the charges not me. We were advised not to go to the court hearing as it might turn ugly. He was charged and fined and did have a R Order where he had to stay away from me for a year or so. The affects of that mentally on me was that to this day i cannot be in my home alone with the door unlocked or the door open with the screen on. Ralph always gets mad at me when i close and lock the doors but its so deep routed in me that i do it without thinking. Your home should be the safe haven where you are safe and your kids are safe and protected. That was taken away from me that day and ive never felt safe since. I hate it when Ralphs working out of town as i admit i get scared of being alone. I know that people can break into your home if they want to and can hurt you. Simple as that. And remember this was my father in law!!!!!!!!!! Put yourself in my shoes for two seconds. How does it feel? The other side effects of it, Hmm where to start. lol. Things have never been good since and what i think (and this is not something i can prove unlike above) is that because he has always claimed it didnt happened and that i liar about it, and had to go to court, well!! It causes a lot of people not to like you very much. lol. Its strange cause ralph was also a witness on the police report but they only blamed me and said i lair about it. For 22 years he has contined to claim his innocent and as little as a year ago i heard that he stil was furious about going to court over it. (as he didnt do it!!!!!!!!!!). And still wasnt happy that Ralph was sticking to what happened. I have wondered over the years why the rest of the family didnt belive us. I know once his sister (who the disagreement had been with) told me that she did belive us. She said she had been at there house when they returned that night and the first words out of his mouth had been.
I kicked her butt!!
That story changed tho once the police arrived over there. In a way i can understand why there would be so much restenment from them if they really though we made the story up (and our injurys i guess) just to create problems for him. But why ddnt they believe it? I think they really did but it was there dad and just like a child, sometimes you stand by them when they have made a terrible mistake just to protect them. An i angry at him? No hes an old man now, yeah hed never admit to it and say sorry but we accepted that a long time ago. Whats been harder to deal with is being called a liar and having people mad all these years because i havnt gotton over it (there words). How do you get over it? If anyone knows, please tell me cause i would love to, really! Im sure in my shoes they wouldnt have gotton over it also. Maybe if he had admitted to it years ago, had said he was sorry and that it wouldnt happen again (which it didnt to us) then it would have been easier to have moved on from. But when your called a liar still, 22 years later!! Sorry i just cant forget. I think of it everytime i see him. I wish i didnt. I wish everytime i saw his sisters i didnt think about it and how i should get over it!!!!!!! Why am i blogging about it now, 22 years later?? Well for 22 years i have kept this inside like a dirty little secret. We have told no one. We kept it hidden because its just too horrible for people to hear, Really it is. All it has done is protect him. For me its been eating up inside me all these years, making me less of a person then i could be. I see that now. By helping everyone by keeping it quite i have hurt myself all these years. I see now that in order to free myself from this i need to write it down, i still wont mention it to anyone but writing it down releases what i need to release. It is not to get even or anything. Justice was done in the justice system 22 years ago but i need to stop feeling guity over everyone blaming me for it. I need to stop hiding it because everyone wants me too. Ive heard that everyone that has gone though something like this or worse needs to get it out and for me this is the only way i can. I know it might make people angry over it again and im sorry. But i need to do this for me. Ive carried this quite to make it easier for you for too long. Im really sorry that this caused such a gap in the family all these years but it was not my thought. Had it been left beween a disagreement that we dont remember or had he said he was sorry. Well things could have been so much better. The one good thing to come out of this is that it made the hubs and i super close, it also made us better parents. We know that the people our kids choose to marry or be with is there choice. Accept them and get to know them, you will love them if you do. Never get involved in disagreements beween your kids. Hard sometimes but we always draw back on that experience 22 years ago. Helps us be better people and parents. My kids have choosen wonderful wifes and boyfriends. lol. Yes the two boyfriends are not from here and not in the church even. But they are amazing people and perfect for our daughters. Weve so glad we got to know them and yes we accept them for who they are. And no no we would never run over there if there was a disagreement beween one of them and one of our other kids. lol. I hope that by my finally telling this that besides helping me that it will help someone else. I hope someone else will learn from it and remember it if there having a hard time with there family. Its so much better and easier to say your sorry over a disagreement (even if your not, lol) then to let it go on and build into years of resentment. Im very grateful for my parents and extended family overseas who i could have disagreements with and it would be out and over with in ten mins, and stay just beween the two people involved. I never had to worry about them calling everyone else and they never worried i would. Again this is not to cause problems but this is my journal and i need for my own interself to get this out just one time and stop hiding it like i had something bad to hide. I know i did nothing wrong that day, it was just a disagreement with someone that we dont have a clue what it was, thats all it should have been. Its so sad it became what it did. Although this wont make me want to start leaving my door open when hubs isnt home, at least its taken a big weight off my shoulders and like i said everything i said is on police and court records. Simple as that. It is as it is, in all its sadness and uglyness. But now i can be free of it and stop carrying it with me. But now you know why things are the way they are. Just the way it is and always will be. On my side, its hard to move on from something like that when im told it never happened, and on there side, its hard to move on when its your dad, simple as that. This will im sure be my one and only major long post and its something i wont ever post about again. People may say it never happened. But they wasnt there. Simple as that. You cant change the truth just because you want too. You dont have to belive it, i really dont care, but i deserved to let it out and move on.
Hug your family and treat them right and accept them for who they are. Theres good in everyone, sometimes you just need to let them in to find it.
YOU CAN BEND IT AND TWIST IT, YOU CAN MISUSE AND ABUSE IT, BUT EVEN GOD CANNOT CHANGE THE TRUTH.